The App Store Trump Hole

In December 1944, Imperial Japanese Army Lieutenant Hiro Onoda was ordered to take the fight of the Pacific theatre to an island in the Philippines. Disrupt and destroy the enemy by any means necessary were his orders. But also, under no circumstances, was he to surrender or take his own life.

Months later, his squad of soldiers had been overrun and killed but Onoda, following orders like a true soldier, refused to give in. Retreating to the mountains of the Philippines, Onoda waited for orders. He waited 29 years, in fact. In 1974, he emerged from the jungle and hearing of his return, the Japanese government contacted his former superior officer. Yoshimi Taniguchi, who had since become a bookseller, flew to the Philippines and officially relieved Onoda of duty. For the first time, the soldier realised World War II was over. He now had to return to civilization. In 2014, Onoda died in Tokyo at the age of 91.

Today, it’s ming-bendingly difficult to comprehend disconnecting yourself from the modern world. Especially for almost three decades. Onoda had missed out on so much human progression, technology and wonder. Men walked on the moon and he had no idea. No clue that the war he was fighting had come to an end mere months after he disappeared into those mountains. I can’t even fathom the adjustment period that he had to endure upon his return to Japan in the mid-70’s. It must have been astonishing.

Donald Trump is a gibbering extinction-level-event of a human being. It’s as if somebody decided to experiment with bringing inanimate objects to life and chose a huge pile of raw pork sausages to go first. For what seems like light years already, his campaign of “Everything Sucks and Everyone Is A Liar Except For Me” has reached its end and struck gold in the nerves of the unhinged, angry outcasts of America. They looked up at this sweaty maniac and saw themselves. It’s confusing as to how this was possible since Trump is a spray-tanned billionaire who lives in a gold tower and they’re…not. Nevertheless, they saw a mirror and liked it.

Well, a quarter of them did. Another quarter voted for Hillary. And half of them didn’t even vote at all. Great job, America. What you’ve managed to deliver upon the earth makes me wish I could be like Lieutenant Onoda. To be able to say “Peace, two fingers” and just leave. Detach from the disastrous human race and their newly appointed shitking to experience something not this for thirty years. Come back when it’s all over. For better or worse.

Despite Trump’s rotten meringue appearance and blind, childlike vitriol that would make Idi Amin take a knee, his stomach-churning “face” is instantly recognisable. In the world we live in, recognition can be transformed into a brand. Brands equal money. If you want to go one step further, memes have now joined brands to create some sort of grotesque John Carpenter’s The Thing type creature that devours money and vomits bile.

That’s what America has done. They’ve elected a living, breathing meme to be President.

If you’re one of the bazillion people on the planet who own an Apple product, you have no doubt seen the depths of the discomforting void that the App Store holds. Memes gargle on the oxygen that the App Store provides and every time a new #SaltBae or Damn Daniel descends upon the public consciousness, the App Store belches with countless new baffling entries. Amazingly, I had never thought to search for Trump on the App Store before this week. I highly doubt I’m the first, but I can’t recall ever seeing what half-baked horrors laid within.

It is literally endless. Developers with names like Best Fun Games, Pro-Legal Services, App Mania LLC or just some random dude have unlocked a Pandora’s Box of fleeting, barely-finished attempts to cash in on the world’s obsession with Trump. After a little investigation, the developer websites follow a certain trend. Dead Twitter accounts, untouched blogs or links that don’t even work.

The history of these developers is varied. Some have a single app and that’s where it (mercifully) ends. But others have been at this game for a while. Some already have hundreds of apps. Titles that include the words FREE, AMAZING, CASH, FUN or FLAPPY mixed in with the legion of casino poker machine apps. Trying anything to crack that sweet fruit of worldwide success. For every innovation like Crossy Road, there’s…whatever all of this is. I mean, just look at this stuff.

Scrolling through these visual atrocities, I wondered how many of these developers support Trump and his attitude towards other human beings. Because if they don’t and they instead actively disagree with Trump, that means they will circumvent any personal standards they may have for the sake of money. Not even money but the chance of money. Of course, that’s not a new thing for the App Store.

Donald Trump is now officially the President of the United States. Something that seemed so absurd a couple of years ago that I’m pretty sure the word ‘absurd’ was invented just for this. Unless he’s impeached, this will be the world we live in for the next few years. And you better believe the App Store will keep filling up with TRUMP DUMP FLAPPY WALL TRUMP HAIR SAGA FREE CRUSH TRUMP DUMP FLUMP HUMP RUNNER from now until we are all dead as a result of something related to Trump. Enjoy the madness while it lasts. These developers certainly are.

All hail President Meme. All hail President Money. All hail President Trump.

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